Hope and despair
by mirel
Summary: Story which I hope answer to some questions, why Michelle and Tony fell apart. Tony is in prison and Michelle goes for a visit. Things starts from there. My first story...! Complete.
1. Goodbye

_Tony knows he has to say goodbye to Michelle, while he still can. Post season 3 and 4. I write this thing by inspiration of James Brunt's song Goodbye my lover. I love the song (I love it before it came famous and hate that it is famous…) I cannot show the lyrics in the story, but if you want, I can post the story to you with lyrics. I hope this answer some questions what has happened to Tony and Michelle, and why they fell apart. _

_Okay, this is my first fanfiction I have ever publicist… Some text can sound funny or something like that, because my mother language isn't English. But I think nobody would read this if I would write it in finish. Yes, I'm from Finland, and even if I have read English for six years, I'm not the best… so say if there are some terrible faults in language. And please, review if you read, I like to know if anybody read this and if you like this one… _

When you are sitting alone almost every hour of every day, you don't have anything other to do but think. Think about everything you have done and lost. I think that is the idea of prison. You think about what you have done and regret. But I don't have anything to regret. I would do it all over again, if I have to. I saved her. That's all I need to know. But when you are in prison for little longer, like I have been here for more than five months, five months and eight days exactly, you start to think again. When your time is only for thinking, you start to think every little movement, and now I doubt, doubt did I do the right thing?

I think I do feel little guilty of what I have done. In the end, I could have killed millions of people. I'm happy it didn't happen. How could I live seeing dying children when I close my eyes? It hurts enough to see you crying every time we meet, no matter how I try to stop you. So, yeah, I'm feeling guilty of what I have done to you, what I have done to us. But what else could I have done?

Somehow, I always knew everything would end eventually. I loved you and wanted to live happily ever after with you, but I didn't believe that. With jobs we have, all the risks we take, I knew finally, it would be our end.

You always talked about family; how we would eventually stop working in the CTU, move in a beautiful house somewhere out of LA. I started to believe you eventually, but still I knew deep down it wouldn't happen. Guess I should have told you that. Maybe we would have moved along before this happened.

But still, even when I knew this wouldn't last forever, I asked you to marry me. I asked you to share your life with me. How much I wanted life to be perfect, but it isn't, we both know it too damn well.

So, now we are apart, everything has fallen in to pieces. Only light I see here, in my prison, are you. You are the only thing that keeps me going, even if I would like you to move on and be happy. I'm selfish, I would like you to wait for me, but I won't ever say it to anyone. And anyway, I know I will never get truth this… You have no reason to wait. I want you to move on, and I will always be there for you, in your heart.

You have no idea how much I love you. You just have a hint. You are the reason why I'm still alive; I don't know how to live without you. Do you see why I'm falling? I'm falling because I love you so much; I'm falling because I cannot live without you. So I'm hanging on because I know you would fall if I would. But I can't hang on much longer.

Loosing, yes, I'm loosing everything. Everything is you, and now I don't have you. I haven't got anything. Life is cruel, it always have been. I hate to tell you, but I'm loosing it all. I wait our visit, it will be soon. I wait so I can say goodbye to you, for the last time. I don't have the power to live like this. I hope you have.

We never said goodbye when they took me, we just kissed. It is the best word people can say. I cannot kiss you anymore, and I'm so sorry. Hope you know how much I would like that the

Kiss had been our last word. And maybe in someway, it is.

There is couple of minutes before I see you again. And I dream about you, our best moments. I hope you have the same memories in your head; I like you to take them. I want you to burry them in your heart.

When you move on, and you will, believe me, I hope you keep me in your heart. I know you won't forget me; we have gone truth too much that to happen. I just hope you keep the good memories.

Now they come and take me to you. I bet they would like to see the day you wouldn't come, see the day I'm alone and they know I suffer even more than now. Soon they will get that joy. They put me in the chair, but I don't see them anymore. I just see you. You are sitting in the other side of the glass and my heart is so happy to see that you aren't crying, not yet. I hope I would see you smiling, but I know I won't ever see your smile again.

I took the phone and you do it too. My voice sounds weird in my ears. "Hey," I whisper to her. She says nothing. I know she's fighting against the tears. It breaks my heart to know that you cannot even see me without crying, not even if it had been five long months and eight days since I was send in prison. This is our fives time when we see, since the trial. But still, you are close to tears. You look so tired to me. Have you slept well my sweetheart?

"I'm sorry," you whisper, like you always do. God, I hate when you do that, like it would be your fault. "Don't say that, please. It is not your fault; it is just this world. I have to face the consequences of what I did. It's not your fault." I always say that to her. It is like routine. "I just hope we had moved on sooner…" she says, and I see the tears. It hurt's to see the tears, but they have to come. I start to cry too. I wanted so much to have family with you, spend my life with you. You know that.

"Michelle, I have to tell you something…" She looks up when I speak, and I see the fear in your eyes. I try to find the words but it's so hard.

"Honey, I love you more than live. I have loved you from our first kiss. I will always love you; you have to know that sweetheart…" I say, looking straight to your eyes, and I'm wondering what your heart thinks.

How much it hurts to say the words, it hurts so much. But still I have to say them. "Michelle, you cannot come back. You leave hear and finally start new life, like you should have done long time ago. I ask you leave me, because I want you to be happy. That's why I saved you. I wanted you to be happy. If that's not with me, it's fine." I say, and she starts to sob and cry even more. "No, Tony, please. Don't leave me…" she prays. "I'm sorry honey, but I have to."

"Goodbye Michelle, find your life. I have lost mine. I love you, but it isn't enough in this world. Goodbye." I stand up, and they take me back to my sell. When I'm leaving I can hear her screams, I can hear her crying. When I look last one time in her eyes, I see the tears in her beautiful eyes. I saw our broken life in her eyes. It hurts so much to leave you.

And now I'm here. Alone, in the empty sell. I look at the grey walls, and I feel the tears. I have cried so much, but the tears won't stop. I cry because I left you, because you are crying too. Because I was the one who broke your dreams, and I wonder if you ever find your way back to the light. Finally, I fall asleep, and the beautiful dreams come, taking me away from this miserably life.

I wake up, it's still night. The darkness is overtaking, I feel like I can't breath. I remember yesterday, I remember that you are never coming back. It hits me, I really have lost you. You aren't my anymore.

Nobody will come to me anymore, I'm alone. I feel numb. They have taken everything from me, and only thing I had, I have let it go away. So I really have nothing now. If I would die right now, nobody would fall apart. Of course, Michelle and everybody ells would cry, maybe miss, but fall apart? I doubt. They have already lost the hope I would ever get out of here. They don't assume I will get truth this. Not even Michelle, not anymore. I have said my goodbyes.

I feel so empty. Everything is gone. Nothing is left. But somehow, it feels good; it feels good to know I won't hurt anyone when I go. And I will go. Nothing will keep me here for 20 years, not anymore. It feels good to know I can stop fighting.

So now everything is gone, good. I can live with that. Michelle will move on, everybody I knew will be happy. That's all what matters. My miserably life is nothing. I can end this all. And for the first time, I fell asleep without dreams, all is just black. Like me, they are empty.

"_How could I know that you would get me pardon? How could I know that I would get you back? I was ready to give up, I was ready to die. You maybe get me out alive, but I had already given up. There were no way up anymore. Not before Jack called to me, not before I saw my old life again. I'm so sorry."_


	2. Trying to find hope

_So here is the second chapter. It's from Michelle's point of few. Just read and you will see :) Thanks for all of you that read the first chapter, especially those who reviewed. I was so happy when there didn't read anything like "You sucks" or something like that... so thanks! Read and review!_

I never thought this day would come. I thought you were stronger than this. You were always the strong one, you always hold me when I fell into pieces. You never cried when I did, you just whispered comforting words to my ear. You were so strong. Everything around of us could fall apart, but you still didn't give up. You just smiled and said everything would be fine. I didn't guess that I was always the only thing keeping you together. Now I cannot be there with you when walls come closer to you. How could I know that you would fall apart? You use to be the strongest man I have ever known.

But all that is gone now. I have seen pain in your eyes, fear, and I saw you crying. You were only piece of the man I use to know. Every visit, every time I saw you, I saw you falling deeper. Every time I found you little more broken, one more piece missing. But still, I didn't see this coming. I was so naïve, I didn't want to give up hope.

What did I do to help you? What did I do to stop you falling deeper? I tried everything that game to my mind, but nothing helped. I should have tried harder. I tried to comfort you, but I always started crying, the stupid tears didn't leave me alone. You always ended comforting me. I was so week, but so where you. And I saw that every time I cried, I broke little piece of you. But I couldn't help myself. Maybe if I hadn't cried, you would still hang on.

I have to do something. I promised not to give up on you. I will keep that promise. But what should I do? My head is empty, and I feel so desperate. I just keep thinking your eyes and your tears when you said goodbye. I saw that it hurt you too. Why didn't you game back, you heard my screams. I saw you looking back. You saw my tears. Why didn't you come back and say you would hang on little longer? Why did you let the guards take me away? You broke my heart. I think how desperate you must be. And I see only one way up. Only thing that maybe would get Tony up from the bottom would be getting him out of there.

Then I remembered. It had been so long ago, but still I remembered. I remember Jack who told me he would get pardon to Tony… Now was the time. It had been almost six months, but still nothing had happened. I had see Tony, I knew he had given up. I was so afraid; I didn't know what to do. So I called Jack.

"Jack Bauer", he said, and I almost hang up. His voice was quiet and tired. Why did I bother him, I know he had done everything he could. He had said that he had tried, but had he tried enough? Still I wanted to hang up, but Tony's eyes didn't leave me alone.

"Hey, It's me", I said, trying to smile. How hard it was. "Michelle, I didn't expect you to call, how you are?" he said and I almost saw him smiling in the other end. I didn't know what to say. But I had to say something. "If I would say I'm okay, would you believe it?" I said. I didn't know what I was doing, I was bitter, and the words just game. "I don't lie to you Jack. It's has been hell. But we have hanged on until now." I took a deep breath and tried to think how to say this. "It's Tony…" I whispered to him. I started to cry. The damn tears didn't leave me alone. "Michelle is everything ok?" he said worried. Maybe he still cared about our faith.

"I went to see him, like I go every month…" I whispered truth my crying. I couldn't control myself anymore. "He has given up Jack …" It hurts so much even think about that. My Tony, who used to be so strong, has given up. I guess Jack understand what I mean. Tears went down my cheeks. "Given up? What do you mean?" Why he asked? I know he understands, why he asks? "Don't you understand? He has given up hope; he thinks he won't get out of there alive!" "Michelle I'm sorry. Do you want me to visit him next time and speak to him..?" he sounded confused, it was something I have never heard in his voice. What had happened to him? Jack had always known what to do. But now he didn't understand a thing I was speaking of.

I lost my temper, I had said it so clear but he didn't see it. Tony and he used to be friends. They always knew what the other was thinking. What had happened? "He won't see anyone again Jack! He said he doesn't want to see me again, he said he has lost his life…" I screamed in the phone, I wanted Jack to understand. "He doesn't last till next visit Jack, I'm afraid he tries to… try to kill himself." I said lowering my voice to whisper. I tried to wipe the tears, but there were too many. I sobbed; I had said it aloud now.

Jack sees now, but he doesn't say anything. Does he believe me? The silence is killing me. What if he doesn't try to get him pardon, what if he doesn't get pardon? What if I will never see Tony again, what if he dies? I could never live without him, so I try not to think.

"Tony said that?" he asks, and I can now hear the fear in his voice. We both know Tony too well. We know he wouldn't say it without meaning it. God knows what has happened to him there. What has broken my husband, what has made him give up? He is the only one who knows.

"Yeah", I whisper. I would like to escape from this situation; I like to be in Tony's arms. It's the only place where I have ever feel that I'm safe. But it won't happen. Not now, maybe never. "He won't do that, he is strong", he says, not believing. He hasn't seen him. Tony is strong, but even the strongest finally brakes. He hadn't seen him falling apart.

I understand that he doesn't believe. But he has to. It's the only way. I try to explain. "Please, I have never seen him like that. His eyes were full of pain. He was so afraid Jack, I saw it. He has given up… I don't know why, but he has." Please Jack, just believe. I'm not strong enough to make you believe if you don't want to.

"Even if you would speak the truth, what could I do Michelle? If he won't hang on 20 years, what I could do?" he said, confused. Had he forget? Had he forget what he had promised me the day they took Tony? "Don't you… Don't you remember?" I asked. I couldn't believe it. I remember like yesterday when I was crying in the hallway after they had taken him. He came to me and said he would get him out, he said he would get him pardon if it come to that. Was it just empty promise? Had he lied to me?

"Michelle, I have already tried to get him a pardon. I can't get him pardoned now… The President is busy; his time at president is almost over!" he said, he remember after all. Didn't he care about us anymore? Didn't he care about Tony's faith? Had he given up on him? He hadn't even visited him once.

"It's the time, don't you see! When president has chanced, Tony will never get pardon!" I pecked him, but he didn't say anything. "Just go to see him, go to see him now! You work with Secretary Heller, he can arrange you an extra visit! Just look at him, so you understand." I said, but he didn't answer. Didn't he want to get him out? "Please Jack, after that you can decide what you do. Tony has saved your ass so many times, are you letting him die?" My eyes were so full of tears. It hurt so much to know that my husband is falling so hard… Jack, please do it. You will see. "Okay, I do that", he says and I can breath again. "Thank you Jack" I say and he hangs up.

He will get him out. He has to. Tony is only reason why I haven't fallen in the ground and cried there forever. He will get out. He has to. I have made a promise to him, promise that I won't give up on him. I won't.

"_Jack got you out. I guess he saw your desperate eyes and see what I saw. You were given up. What he said to the president I don't know. But you did get the pardon. I was never been so happy than the day you get out. But then came to reality, I wasn't strong enough to pick the millions pieces of you and make you one. I give up. I broke my promise. I'm so sorry. " _


	3. Forgotten friend

_The third chapter! This is From Jack's point of few, what he saw and what made him get Tony a pardon…_

_Thanks all of you that have read this story. Maybe I write more soon, we see. Sorry this took so long, but I have been busy lately. The school is ending and I had lots of tests… But summer brake starts soon and then I'm free to write as much as I want! But the last chapter, here you are! _

He tries to avoid my eyes, I can tell. He looks down, and every little movement told clearly that he didn't want to be here. Not with me. "Why you game?" he asked, still looking down. I wanted to see him, but he didn't even look at me. His face was in the shadow, he had decided not to look at me, or even show his face. I saw when he closed his eyes, or turned his head, but I didn't see where he was looking, or did his face look tired. "Michelle called you, didn't she?" He asked again, and I hear his sad voice when he mentioned Michelle. "Yeah", I answered to him. I hoped that he would look at me, but he doesn't.

Silence. Both of us didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, where to start. We had never spoken about private things. All that we had spoken had been about work, only rarely we spoke something personal. I tried to find words, but what should I say? That Michelle is afraid that he will kill himself? I heard her voice in my head. "_He doesn't last till next visit Jack, I'm afraid he tries to… try to kill himself." _I tried to look at him; I tried to tell was she right. I could tell that he was depress, but I didn't see anything ells. Maybe if he wouldn't look down, maybe then. But it was hard to tell. I couldn't believe he had given up.

"Michelle is worried about you", I said. In the end, it was the reason I had come. But if I was honest to myself, I really wanted to see him, see if he was okay. He laughed. "Really?" he said in bitter voice, nothing ells. He didn't take his eyes of the floor. It started to bother me… Why did he look at the ground?

"Look at me Tony." I asked, I wanted to see his face, something wasn't right. Tony closed her eyes for a second and didn't do anything. "Look at me." I said, louder this time. He sighed, and finally he shows his face in the light.

His face look's horrible. His eye is black, there is deep scar in his face and I can see couple of stitch in his frontal. I don't know what they have done to him, and I'm afraid he has many more scars and bruises I can't see. He was already here when I came… I look at him, terrified of what he has gone true. I can only guess.

He still doesn't want to look at me in the eyes, like then he really would admit I was right there. I hadn't seen him for six months; I had almost forgotten how much I cared about him. It was easy to forget someone when you just try to move on by yourself, and you don't see him everyday. Now I realised what mistake I had made, I remember how close to friends we were. Maybe we didn't speak about personal things, but we did understand each other. In the end, he is the closest friend I have, even if I haven't seen him for a long time. I have forgotten him, so long time ago, and left him standing alone. But I'm here now.

Then he finally looks at me, looks straight to my eyes. I don't almost recognise his face and eyes anymore. Where is the strong man I use to know, where is his smile? All I see in his eyes is pain and fear. Then he looks away, and I can see tears going down his face. "Don't even think about telling Michelle how I look." he says in a whisper. I'm too shocked to answer. I didn't think he really would be given up. That he was felled in the bottom.

"What happened?" I ask, but I know already that he won't tell. "Nothing", he said, shaking his head. I tried to ask, even if I knew it was pointless. "Don't lie to me. You haven't just accidentally felled in your face or something like that…" He looked at me; he looked so tired, so weak. Like every inch of his strength has been used. "It doesn't matter. It has happened. Just don't tell Michelle, please, she has to forget me", he says. I still know little of what he thinks. Always placing everybody ells above himself. I won't ask if he don't want to tell me. I understand if he doesn't want to tell me. I see it would just hurt him more.

"Why you game Jack? I said I don't want to see anybody. Why you made me come to see you?" He didn't understand. I didn't understand him. I could tell he just wanted to fell in somebody's arms. But he locked everybody out. In someway, he was still strong.

"I came to help you", I said in a whisper. Now I saw what Michelle meant, I understand why she sounded so sad; I understand why she wanted me to come. I would have never believed that Tony had given up, not without seeing him. Now I believe.

"What could you do for me? I don't need help." He said, looking at me. It was hard to look at his eyes. He didn't believe anything would save him. He reminds me of myself after Teri had died. I just hoped he was strong enough to climb back, like I.

"I get you a pardon." I said, and he froze. He hadn't seen that coming, and I saw it hurt him. But it was the only way, just like Michelle had assumed. He really needed that pardon if he wanted to stop falling. He closed his eyes, and I saw single tear falling down his cheek. It was weird to see him crying, even that little.

"You are too late Jack. Why you came now? Why you didn't come six months ago? "He asked, and it hurt me. I didn't know. Why I hadn't come? Why I had let it come to this? I had tried to get him a pardon, yes, but it had been a lame try. I could have done better. I just thought I had more time, or something like that. I don't know. I'm mad at myself. Why I let him down?

Tony shook his head. "I said goodbye to Michelle. I said I don't want to see her again. Do you know how much that hurt? Do you know how much I hurt her? Do you know how it feels to watch the only one you love, crying because you let her down? And now you say I will get back to her… What should I think?" He said his voice braking. I felt so guilty. "I don't know Tony, but I can't leave you here." I said, I didn't want him to be here another second. He had opened my eyes, and I didn't want to see him falling. "So now you can't leave me here? But last six months it was just fine?" He said, yelling at me. He looked like he wanted to get up, but finally decided not to. I saw him looking at the security camera at the corner. For a second I saw fear in his eyes, what they had done to him?

"I'm sorry Tony, I should have come sooner. I didn't now what you were going true." Please Tony, why you can't be just happy? I will get you out. I won't leave president in peace before he gives you a pardon. "No Jack, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be angry to you. I just… I didn't think I would ever get out of hear." He said to me, I saw that he felt little guilty about what he had said. He shouldn't.

"Time's up", said the guard who had just came in. Tony looked at the guard in silence; I didn't see any emotion in his eyes when he looked at the guard. I didn't want to leave him hear, but I had to. But he wouldn't stay here for long, not anymore.

I was ready to leave now, I had said everything. "I will get you out", I said to him when the guards came to him. He looked at me and smiled. It wasn't real smile, but it was close. "Thanks Jack", he said and got up. Maybe he would get back to light; maybe freedom was all he needed. I looked as they cuffed him, and I saw him closing his eyes as the lock made a sound. Sound of cage. I watched how they took him out in handcuffs. I couldn't help noticing that he limbed his left foot.

"_I really thought that everything would be fine after I get you out. But life isn't that easy. I know they did you something, something that will always hound you. Maybe you would have survived even then, if you just wouldn't keep everything inside. I should have come sooner. I hope you will forgive me someday. I'm so sorry." _


End file.
